Things We Should Have Said
by ValeryG
Summary: Shortly after the death of Emily's troubled girlfriend, Maya, Emily begins to lose her mind and is admitted to a hospital and struggles to deal with mayas death when suddenly, the supposedly dead Alison Dilaurentis appears in her room, completely alive and in love with emily, thus turning her world upside down. Send me reviews and tell me what you think :
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

She was here, those very words sent red-hot panic through my head, every prickle of the wind against my skin sent fear down my spine, and waves of an unexplainable rage and horror spiraled across my mind. I felt her presence in the air around me. It was a sickening paranoia that clouded my mind, every thought every twinge of fear made me wince and twitch to look behind me. Every rustle in the darkness made my stomach drop and my heart race and, my own subconscious was tearing at the frayed seams. I felt like a match burning out with each lash of fire, with each moment that I stand here in the exposed darkness just waiting in a blind anticipation for an imminent death or a final salvation. She wasn't real she wasn't alive, she wasn't meant to exist now, the thought of her once again in my arms drove me to madness, insanity even and yet she now stands before me. With every tear I shed for her death, with every attempt at my own demise, with every inch that her coffin was lowered into the ground, I lost my self, my soul, and my sanity.

And now to have it all questioned split my mind in two, I feared her now; the one I loved becomes my source of turmoil or is it just the haze I feel claiming my mind so steadily. I feel it all caving in now with each glance I throw across the darkened space with each turn of my head, my confusion grows stronger and sickens me all the more. I see her running towards me with a tear streaked face, I fall to my knees, sobbing harshly in heaving gasps of razor air and feel her arms surround me, I don't know how to let out the hopelessness I feel and genuine fear that haunts my mind and distorts my surroundings, I cry and break down in her arms unable to control the way my mind sees the world. I can feel my self-collapsing unable to move as the tears stream freely down my face. I see it now clearly, her silhouette against the harsh lights, it was truly her. With each agonizing second I feel her, near me once again, golden hair and twinkling eyes, a soft touch with trembling fingertips, with each passing moment she seems more tangible, no longer a crazed hallucination.

Breath faltering, eyes fluttering shut, I cling to her with every last once of energy until I feel a sharp prick and feel my mind unwind and drift off in a dreamy haze, in her arms, remembering every detail of her face for the unbearable days to come. I could no longer tell the difference between my own escaping lucidity and the real world, had she been real? I dread the answer to my question; I don't think I could bear it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"I told you, you shouldn't have done that. Look what you did, she's been at the ward for months trying to forget exactly this and now you just come waltzing back into her life like you hadn't almost killed her. Who knows what she actually saw, she's drugged up well past the point of awareness."

"But Spence, she remembered me though, and I had to see her ok?" she replied letting a desperate tone sneak into her voice

"Of course she did, it's hard to forget _the_ Alison Dilaurentis let alone how she felt about you. Anyways just go before you do anymore damage, we'll talk later" Spencer stated bitterly and began marching down the bleached corridor but turned and stared when Ali started her reply, not once had she seen the bold and beautiful Alison be anything less than queen bee of Rosewood High.

"No I think I'll stay till she wakes up, I…I…um I've been gone too long to not be with her now." The blonde was on the verge of tears and looked down at sleeping Emily longingly.

"Fine, but she's not the same, there's no guarantee that she'll even care anymore but I doubt that she could forget you, none of us could, not completely"

Spencer softened at the thought of seeing Ali so torn, where had she been all this time? Ali opened her mouth to say something but closed it, exhaling in a deep sigh and hanging her head and letting a slow tear slide down her face. Spencer walked away silently with too many unanswered questions on her mind and made a silent vow to not let Ali out of her sight without an explanation. Spencer had held Emily when they found her girlfriend Maya's body in Emily's backyard and had visited her each day, unflinchingly staying by her side. But now as she watched Alison hold Em's limp hand and burry her face into the hospital sheets, Spencer had realized that this was the first time she had felt any pity for the girl who taunted and teased her for years. Seeing her now so broken, Spencer didn't know what to do, instead she stood planted in the middle of the hall not sure of how to comfort the girl who was untouchable, on second thought she retreated to the tacky waiting room, better safe than sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

What was I going to say, what _am _I going to say, I'm not going to be the one crying at her bedside promising that we'd be together. I'm not going to be the ever supportive, ever reliant friend or girlfriend if that's even what I'm becoming. Its just not me, I will never become a soft shelled, lovesick, hopeless human being. Too much has happened and much more will happen to prevent that, no matter if I give into her soulful eyes or succumb to the feeling of her trailing finger tips, or… No, that's as far as I'll allow my thoughts to go. I'm being ridiculous, gosh I hate her for making me think these thoughts, for making me collapse by her side and shed tears for the helpless girl that made me feel unthinkable feelings. I can't help the contradicting emotions, the love and hate turmoil stirring with every second spent seeing the frail shell of Emily Fields. The girl I secretly loved more than I should, more than I could take. I ran and now she's here trying to piece herself back together and I just cant handle being the one who broke her. I just cant.

That's the moment when I feel walls closing in, and my breath catches and I can see her eyelids start to stir and open sleepily. In this moment I cant bear to look at her for a moment longer. I run as fast as I can, just as I always do. As I start racing down the bleak halls I stumble right into Spencer but I don't care, I just keep going until my legs give out and my surroundings blur. Soon I stumble into a garden, seemingly untouched for years. It looks out of place surrounded by low modern buildings and the eerie hospital.

I look up at the cloud filled sky and feel the irritating itch of green grass against my skin and the tingling feeling of a breeze lingering in the air. I breathe deeply and see the blurriness subside, I stare for ages watching clouds grow and into one another or spread into small pieces and fragments that drift along the horizon. I start to see patterns and shapes within the baby blue sky, nothing I can make sense of but shapes and figures nonetheless. Minutes pass and I forget what I'm staring at, I simply let my swirling thoughts carry my consciousness on the waves of emotions crushing my chest. Just as the clouds above me, my thoughts drift and split apart, grow together and fade out all together just as new ones start to form and travel down the same floating trail. I let my weariness sink in and feel my body start to sink into the ground, a damp embrace. The serenity of this scene acts like a slow moving medicine, dulling my senses and racing thoughts, spreading through my system slowing it down, sedating my mind, and in this fleeting moment I'm grateful for just this small release, for this tiny moment in time I'm at peace. I don't even remember closing my eyes, but when I look I see that the sun has shifted and now resides directly above me in the now cloudless sky.

Through heavy lidded eyes I see the familiar figure of Spencer, striding towards me with that drive and compelling nature that she always seemed to have. Even if you didn't know her, you could tell just by the way her eyes stayed directly forward, never straying and completely focused. Not exactly cold nor warm, almost void of emotion but full of ambition and a type of emotional separation that one would find in a surgeon during a complex operation. Passionate about their work but seeing the patient as a walking diagnosis rather than a human, emotionally detached and yet completely fixated on the task at hand. In Spencer's case that task may be a supportive friend or an enemy that you wouldn't want to come across. And here she comes looking determined, entailing not entirely bad news but definitely not good news either. As spencer approached I get a sense of exactly what was about to happen now.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Seconds rolled by endlessly until the aching moment was here, she was here. Spencer looked confident as usual, shoulders back and head held high. She had the same tall frame and wavy brown hair with a beautiful angular face and sharp brown eyes. As always she looked perfect, that was my first impression, but as she looked down at me steadily I now saw that her eyes had dimmed over the years and she now had tiny worry lines on her previously seamless face. I realized that she was not the same Spencer at all. She lay down next to me with her long legs stretched out in front of her, propped up from behind with bent elbows. We stayed like this for awhile but she cleared her throat and began the painful talk, disturbing my momentary bliss.

"She was asking for you, you know, Emily. I think she deserves an explanation or something at least. We all do. And look I know you probably cant tell us that much but its not that we all just want to know, we _need_ to know, especially Em." Spencer looked at Ali with a pleading look until the blonde finally spoke.

" I cant tell you everything and it's best that I don't. I've missed you Spence, with a little shaping up from me you've turned into quite the leader, I guess I did something worthwhile after all. But you know I did what I had to do for a reason, theres always a reason even though you don't see things clearly now, I do. So please save me the guilt trip, believe me it's been hard already so just tell me how she is."

"When you left or died supposedly, you hurt her. You hurt all of us. Then just when Em found Maya, just when she was whole again, she died. And I stood there holding her as the wheeled Maya's body from Em's house. After that she just lay there with her doe-eyed, blank stare. She wouldn't eat, talk or move, she was hollow. One day I came to visit her and found her in the bathroom, half drained of all her blood, knife in hand and now here she is. Thats what you get when the people you love die right in front of you."

As Spencer shivered away from her faraway stare, she noticed the slow, glistening tears sliding down her face, mirroring the grieving, tearfilled expression on Ali's face as she began to sob quietly. Spencer drew Ali in close and held her wimppering friend as Spencer's mind began to drift away into the unspeakable memory of that nightSpencer shuddered at the memory of seeing Emily soaked in pools of blood. Spencer hadn't slept for days remembering herself holding the frail body of her best friend, limp in her arms and slowly drifting away from this life. But what kept Spencer from her sleep was the euphoric smile on Emily's face as she bled out and the light seeping away from her bambi eyes just as she whispered in a fragile breath one last word before her eyes fluttered shut. 'Alison'


	5. Chapter 5

What Spencer had said kept replaying in Ali's mind, her words rung out in her mind again and again. Each detail of Emily's pain was a lash of guilt scarring her mind. Ali could picture it so clearly, her love standing in the bathroom, knife positioned to make the final cut, the look of desperation and utter defeat as clear on her face as the tears that must have been running down her face. Then the thought of all the pain ending, but it didn't. Instead she was saved, jerked out of the momentary euphoria of being in the presence of Death. Only to face a life of dizzying narcotics and bleak white walls and only a few familiar faces among the sea of white coated doctors. Ali couldn't stop the tears from flowing and the cold sweat as she neared the building. Firmly clinging to Spencer's arm they wove through the endless corridors until they reached a simple wooden door with a simple window. It seemed so simple for just a moment, just a door between Ali and the girl she desperately loved, just a movement away from having Em in her arms once again. Just a movement, simple. Yet she couldn't move, not an inch. Ali felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder and three whispered words in her ear.

"Nows your chance" Spencer whispered before the hand disappeared and Ali was alone facing the door.

She lay so still, sunken in the starched white sheets. Her glowing tan skin had faded and drained away the happy glow that Ali loved. This was the moment Ali thought, unconvinced. But her decision was made when their eyes met, Emily's warm brown eyes stared across the room into Ali's icy blue ones. Warmth that Ali had not felt since the day she left, had rushed back tenfold and a small gasp escaped her mouth, she felt absorbed in Emily's gaze. She saw Em's composure slowly unraveling with the realization that Ali was real and sitting on the edge of her hospital bed. Her eyes searched Ali's face for an explanation, but tears filled them as she reached out to Ali and breathed a sign of long awaited relief once she was tucked away safely in Ali's arms once again. Emily missed looking up into Ali's eyes, feeling sheltered in her embrace and the pounding of Ali's heart against her back.

Em's mind swam lazily and gentle colours shifted and pulsated around the edges of her vision as a result of yesterdays dose. Ali's golden hair seemed to shine brighter than before with occasional streaks of ocean blue swimming across her blonde head before disappearing into the air. She could feel herself smile, her face strained remembering what it felt like to smile again. But Ali was solid against her skin, warm and alive, finally holding her the way she used to. She had been waiting so long for Ali, each night sending a silent wish that Ali was ok. Each night with panting breaths Emily would wake up and glance around her room looking for Ali, swearing she heard her tinkling laugh or felt a hand brush her face. And each night a silent tear would fall after being wrong time after time, feeling so close to Ali once again and waking up feeling empty but convinced that Ali's presence lingered. She held on so tight, Emily wanted nothing more than to feel Ali this close again. Emily turned to face Alison, to take in every inch of her face to memorize the look in her eyes, without scorn or sarcasm and without her veil of cynicism. She seemed open and vulnerable in that moment, her eyes were bottomless.

Emily looked at Alison deeply and thoughtfully, Alison gazed back steadily and slowly let her fear and anxiety melt away. Soon her face was inches from Emily's, she could feel her warm tingling breath . Then, it occurred to Ali that she hadn't said a word to Emily since walking into the room, but she felt that moments like these were better than dozens of hours spent talking. The moments stretched on for what had seemed like ages with neither of them saying a word. Finally Ali had made up her mind, she lifted her hand and tucked away an ebony strand of hair from Emily's face. She smiled as Ali stroked Em's face absently and closed the distance between them in a soft kiss. Ali felt herself smile against Emily's mouth, Ali would have died for this moment and to finally be able to kiss the girl she had loved for so long.


	6. Chapter 6

Spencer stood still behind the door to Emily's room, a small smile playing across her lips. She had never seen anything so innocent as Emily's sweet smile at Ali in that single moment. The two were lost in the feeling of skin and kisses, growing more passionate almost making Spencer blush. She had never seen this side of Alison before, the unguarded and delicate girl that cradled the still fragile Emily and whispered sweet things against her lips. The girl that would bring Emily cheesy balloons and bears that made Emily laugh and the girl that kissed her forehead as Emily drifted off to sleep, enveloped in Alison's arms. Spencer turned away from the door stood remembering the moments like those where Ali showed such humanity that it was hard to once again to see her as the same Ice queen she once was.

Days had gone by and with each day Ali saw her Love transforming before her, from the ghost Emily was before to the beautiful girl that now sat across from her. They were on one of their walks on another a cliche sunny morning. The grass glinted with the reflection of the cloudless sky, placing diamonds in the misty grass that tickled Emily's ankles. She ran her hand along the tips of the blades of grass making the tiny water droplets quiver and fall. She sat mesmerized by the simple beauty of the grass and twinkling dew drops that still lingered. She didn't notice Alison watching her with curiosity, seeing her so encompassed in her own little world. She missed these moments when simplicity became utterly beautiful. Just simple moments like this, with Emily seemed like a dream. The moments spent with her love, tucked away in this small corner of the world. Alison became lost in her thoughts of Emily and the world they hid from when a sprinkle of icy water hit her face, startling her from her thoughts. A mischevious Emily looked back at her with a devilish grin as she flicked tiny bits of water at Ali and in a teasing voice said.

" Come and get me. " Alison then replied in the same devious tone.

" Just wait till I catch you, you'll be all mine then"

As Alison winked and finished those last words, the girls broke into a run and laughter errupted. Soon Emily gave into the chase and collided with Ali, lying inches away from her heavily breathing face. Their mouths were crushed together as lips moved in harmony and a soft moan escaped Ali's mouth. Passion exploded between the girls, closing any remaining distance between their intertwined bodies but it was never close enough. Out of breath they lay on their backs looking up at the sky, catching their breath and waiting for their worlds to stop spinning. Alison turned and traced the outline of Emil'y face lightly and kissed her jawline gently, making Emily shiver.

" I guess I finally caught you, you're all mine now." Alison murmered against Emily's skin.

" I wouldn't want it any other way. You cant leave again, you can't do that again, ever. If you do then you wont have an Emily to come back to so I need you to promise me something now. " Emily said in a suddenly serious tone

" I will never leave you. Do you hear that, I'm staying right here. Do you feel this?" Alison took Emily's hand and placed it over her heart. " As long as my heart will beat, then I will stay. As long as I feel you with me, I will never leave you. You wont ever have to face things alone, never. I promise you with every fibre of my body. I will never go away." Alison's voice trembled and tears slid down her face. Each tear binding her to her love.

" So you'll stay with me?" Emily said it as a question but in that moment she had never been so sure of anything in her life.

" I'll stay with you till the day I die, forever" As Alison said those last binding words Emily turned face to face with Ali and brushed away the wet streaks on her cheeks. She kissed Ali hard, with all the longing and hurt she had felt for so many years before and in a mixture of salt and kisses they were bound. In that simple moment that were happy, so overwhelmed with the love they felt, they were complete.


	7. A quick question from me :)

Dear amazing readers,

I know it has been such a long time since I last updated, and I am so sorry, but you have not been forgotten! Your comments and reviews have been so so amazing and thanks to you I have had a few ideas as to where this story will go next, but I need a bit of your help. I have been thinking whether or not to post one final chapter which may or may not result in a sequel or if chapter 6 is a good enough ending. Please tell me what you think. Either way I promise this won't be the last story I post, I have a few other stories in the works :) Thanks again for all your lovely reviews. I never dreamed that so many of you would read my story and take time out of your precious days to write me a review. It honestly means the world and I'm truly humbled.

I love you all,

-Val


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